Star Spangled Bummer

[Note: Posted after the fact, a 2020 election drinking game, created on a sleepless election eve for a small social group]

Star Spangled Bummer 2020: Blurred Vision Decision

A guided tasting through the 2020 electoral map

(A fun representative illustration of us playing a fun game at a very fun time in our nation’s history!)

Preamble & Justification

(Yes, I did, and sure, I’m sorry)

I’d like to start off with a brief defense of the highly questionable endeavor I’m engaged in here. No doubt, in a time of utter partisan rancor, when the joy has largely been stripped out of our politics and the stakes of our elections made starkly clear even to previously disinterested observers, there are those who would cast aspersions on coming up with a list like this. It’s easy to imagine an argument that turning election night into a drinking game diminishes the importance of the event itself; that it makes a trifle out of a decision that will prove enormously consequential to the people of this country and to the world, the worst downsides of which are unlikely to afflict people so privileged as ourselves. Undoubtedly, this is fair as far as it goes, but the objection can be overcome.

Two things militate against the claim. First, the result is largely baked in by the time we settle down in front of our TVs with a drink, particularly in this year of mass early voting: our votes are already cast if we are indeed casting them, our volunteer work done (with the laudable but almost certainly ineffectual exception of joining a last-minute, West coast phone bank). The opportunity to do more is past, and any regrets we might be saddled with in the weeks to come already inevitable. Spending election night trying to squeeze a little fun out of an enormously stressful event doesn’t negate the work we’ve done or the diminish the passions we feel; it acts as an analgesic. This matters extraordinarily to me, and I know it does to many of you.

Second, I’m not sure there’s an occasion more appropriate for heavy drinking. We all love the taste of our vices, and as a group we’ve invested an uncommon amount of time and energy in learning about and sampling them. But the most important qualities of alcohol are the role it plays as a social adhesive and its great utility as an accompaniment to our emotions. Prohibition, moderation, temperance — these concepts belong to the middle tier of importance in human affairs, matters such as jobs, exercise, and minor religious obligations. Alcohol is how we garland the joyously trivial (sports) and the crushingly essential (this). Tonight will be an overwhelming, strikingly consequential human experience. It’s only natural to get blind drunk in order to process and live through it. Enjoy!

Rules

Feel free to modify as needed, but know that I will be wounded by any departures.

I’ve tried to keep this relatively neutral, despite my epic partisanship and the known affiliations of the group; I did a little editorializing at the end. Such are the wages of an unsolicited, unprompted, and presumably unwanted game.

Best played with a wine, beer, cider, or seltzer in your hand, and a bottle of liquor by your side.

Take these seriously but not literally, or something like that.

Shotgun a beer (or seltzer, cider, or canned wine) to begin the night, both to build a base for the evening and to symbolize the shotgun wedding to this country that was your birth.

Take a sip every time the digital map/chart/spreadsheet being used live on air by the quants malfunctions.

Take a sip every time your chosen candidate wins a safe state (e.g. New York for Biden, Mississippi for Trump).

Every time your chosen candidate’s opponent wins a safe state, close your eyes in terror and take a blind sip of whatever the closest person hands you. If playing alone, flip a coin to choose between the multiple drinks arrayed in front of you.

Take a sip every time you remember that Senate elections are also taking place. Finish your drink for every flipped seat.

Toast to the ‘guv’nor’ and take a sip every time a gubernatorial race is called.

Ignore the House until you panic at the end of the night while you try to figure out what happened; take a large gulp to calm yourself.

Every time a new set of states closes its polling places, finish your drink.

Every time an important swing state (Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin, North Carolina, Florida, Arizona, Georgia, and Texas — feel free to add or subtract based on updated polling data, changing circumstances, or sheer intuition) is called *for* your chosen candidate: take a shot.

Every time an important swing state (same as above) is called *against* your chosen candidate: take a shot.

If you find yourself nodding along to a Rick Santorum talking point, immediately throw away the rest of your drink, as its clearly from a contaminated batch, and open a new one.

If Brian Williams says something dumb, make up a war story and take a sip.

If you’re watching Fox News for this there is no hell I can prescribe for you that matches your reality; journey forth, brave soldier.

When Virginia is called: Take a sip and say a small prayer of gratitude that we were not a competitive state this cycle, sparing you from receiving five acres worth of virgin forest in the form of campaign mail.

If Nebraska or Maine records a split electoral vote, take sips of your shooting liquid and your sipping liquid at the same time, to simulate the confusion of a befuddled nation.

The only appropriate responses to Florida are to ignore it or take a face pull every time it is mentioned. Choose wisely.

Blue wave: Every time Texas is mentioned, chug as many seconds as the number of points Biden trails in the state (for instance, if Biden is down 52–48, chug for four seconds). The closer dems are to flipping the state, the less we all have to suffer. If Biden is winning in Texas, sweat out a couple drinks and knock on every piece of wood you own.

Red burn: Every time Trump wins an obvious state in the South or inland West (Kentucky, Idaho, etc.) pour a small sip of a different beverage into a cup you’ve set aside in the middle of the table. Each time he wins a state that Dems should know better than to hope for (Texas, Georgia, Iowa, and yes, Florida) drain the horrifying mixture. Eventually, the generations of pain will teach us/them that Lucy always yanks away the football.

If the election is called: You should most likely be asleep! On the off chance this happens at a halfway reasonable hour, finish your drink, take a breath, and grab the nearest fireworks. These will be good for celebrating, or for confusing your enemies in the post-election chaos.

If the President is falsely claiming victory: Shotgun a beer to bookend your night and take to the streets. You know what to do.

And finally, never forget that the point of a rules-based drinking game is getting everyone excited and getting them drunk within 45 minutes at most, after which they completely ignore the rules. Do not, under any circumstances[1], play all night long.

Apologies in advance for any offense given; the fault is certainly mine. Know that this is all meant light-heartedly, and is the product of a very tired mind.

[1] Impending collapse of the union excepted